I recently had a pretty bad falling out with a friend. She was actually a big part of the inspiration for my last blog post; it had become an extremely toxic, one-sided relationship that I felt was no longer enriching in terms of my wellbeing, so I decided to cut it off. I was met with a great deal of hostility: I was told that I don’t understand mental health, that I forget other people struggle mentally, and, the one that I was taken aback by the most, that I am a bully. Each of these comments took me by surprise; there is hardly anything that I am more passionate about than mental health, the only thing I could think of is maybe music, maybe. I try to be there for my friends in any capacity that I can when they are struggling with their mental health, even people who I may not be very close with, I try to act in any way that I can to help. I know what it’s like to really struggle, and how important it is to have people who care about you in times like those. That’s why there really are not many things in the world more important to me than promoting positive relationships, positive mental practices, and fighting the stigma against mental illness.

By definition, a bully is someone who repeatedly seeks to harm or intimidate individuals they perceive as vulnerable, usually in order to make themselves feel bigger, superior. To me, that is a really strong definition for a really strong word. Disclaimer: I know I’m not a bully. I know that I have been a bully in the past (I’m talking distant past, like middle school past), and I know that I am not a bully now. I have done things and said things that I know have probably upset people in the past, but I know that I am not the type of person to repeatedly seek out ways to harm or intimidate others. If I perceive someone in my life to be vulnerable, and I don’t really care for them, I try to limit my contact as much as possible; I do not go out of my way to put them down.

Regardless, to hear someone call me a bully, and then to hear they are telling other people that I am a bully, not only made my blood boil and my skin crawl, it made me think. I started to really think about the energy I put out into the world, and how it could be perceived by others; after all, perception is reality. For my famous Wellness class, we were assigned a self-improvement project, in which we are able to do just about anything we want to strengthen any sphere of wellness in our lives that we choose. I chose to give myself four specific tasks a week in order to strengthen and really focus on my relationships. Last semester, I went through a pretty rough patch, and I know that I was not focusing on my relationships as much as I usually do, let alone as much as I strive to. Only 2 weeks into the project, I have really been feeling the effects.

This project, in tandem with recent events, and the thought of someone referring to me as a bully, has really made my recent introspection differ from what it normally looks like. I have really given a lot of thought to my actions and interactions with others since getting to Michigan, and I've decided that it’s just as important to mend broken or misperceived relationships as it is to strengthen existing relationships. I had a longstanding conflict that lasted pretty much the entirety of my sophomore year, and up until this point, I had always seen it as a one-sided conflict. I never once gave any thought to how I may have contributed to the hostility. So, this morning, I reached out, acknowledged that it was a two-sided conflict, and apologized for the part that I played in said conflict. Many times, an act like that is seen and described as difficult, and most of the time it is. To swallow your pride, and admit to your own wrongdoing can be incredibly difficult, oftentimes impossible, which is why it doesn’t always happen. It’s why it took me so long to reach out. But after I did, I felt great. This wasn’t a looming conflict that was still weighing on me by any means, but it still felt great to know that there is no longer any tension or hostility with that person.

I don’t foresee myself reaching that point with this broken relationship. Not that I foresee myself holding a grudge per se, but to be told that I don’t understand the very thing that I am more passionate about than just about anything else, and to be labeled a bully, is way too hurtful to bounce back from in my opinion. But the point I’m trying to make is that I still gained from it. I’m not perfect, there are times when I am entirely in the wrong even though I may not realize it until much later. But it is never too late to acknowledge that wrongdoing, both to yourself and to others. Being aware of one’s own actions is a tough thing to do, and while perception is reality, sometimes it can be the farthest thing from it. It’s important to focus on what you put out into the world and the way you make other people feel, but it’s okay to mess up, too. Take care of yourself in those situations. If you do mess up, know that it’s okay. It won’t do you (or anyone for that matter) any good to repeatedly beat yourself up over it.

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